One cause of stress in bereaved couples is that people experience and express grief in different ways. This can be very challenging for a relationship. As you go through this time of loss, you and your partner may grieve and cope differently. Knowing this can help you understand each other and heal together.
Your feelings come from who you are, what kind of relationship you have together and how you’ve been taught to grieve. Grief is a process, and it takes time.
The table below describes how some people may grieve differently:
| Some People | Other People |
| Feel sad or depressed Little things may make them angry or irritable | Feel angry or depressed Feel left out when others show concern for their partner |
| Cry and show their sadness Want to talk about their grief with their partner | Show grief through anger Hold feelings in, and may cry alone Take care of others instead of dealing with grief |
| Think about baby a lot; this could last for years Talk about baby a lot; this helps them process and remember their story Some people want to be alone more often, and some do not want to be alone at all Have a hard time sleeping | Try to cheer up their partner to get through grief quickly Try to be “strong” for their partner Do not talk about baby much; they may be afraid this could upset their partner Work more and stay busy Physical problems (changes in appetite, upset stomach, hard time sleeping) |
| Want to feel comfort by hugging and holding Do not think about sex very much | Feel awkward hugging and holding Think sex will help emotional closeness with their partner |
Tips to help your relationship while you deal with grief
Grief and loss can be hard on a relationship. The grieving process may take longer than you expect, and it can challenge your relationship. Take time to focus on your grief with your partner. Some of these tips may help you and your partner work through it together:
Move Your Body
It may be hard to exercise right after you lose your baby, but it is a good way to relieve stress. Exercise can help you sleep and control your appetite better.
First, check with your doctor to see when you can exercise again. Then try these with your partner:
- Walk
- Bike
- Run
- Hike
- Yoga or stretching
Talk to Other People
Visit a support group. You do not have to talk; you can just listen. It may help you feel better to be around people who have experienced what you are going through.
Talk About or To Your Baby
Talk about your baby and how you feel about your loss. You may find some relief in getting your true feelings out.
Some people also find peace in talking to their baby. Find a quiet place where you and your partner can go to talk to your baby.
Care for Your Relationship
Dealing with grief can be hard on a relationship. Even when you are sad, it is important to spend time with your partner and care for your relationship. You can keep it simple–take some time each week to eat together or go for a walk together. Talk about how you feel and listen to each other. Take time to focus on each other.
Slow Down
If possible, avoid major life changes, such as moving or changing jobs, for a few months. It is tempting to think a big change can help your grief, but it often adds more stress to your life.
Hold Each Other
Sometimes when you are sad all you want to do is cry and be held. That is okay. Intimacy may be difficult for a while. Remember that you love each other even while you grieve.
Do Not Blame Each Other
Remember that no one is to blame for your loss. Now is not the time to bring up old arguments or past hurts. Each of you love your baby and is hurting after your loss, even if you show your grief in different ways.
Have fun
You may feel guilty the first time you laugh after your baby dies, but it is okay to enjoy little things in life, like a good laugh.